An Unauthorized History of the United States Marine Corps, Part 1
1762-1775 – Prior to 1762 it was all good in the hood between us and Great Britain. We chilled here, they chilled there. We pretty much stuck with them to avoid dealing with the french. Problems started when they started messing with our cash flow, taxing our asses on everything from sugar to any good they deemed needed to carry a royal stamp.
But where they done fucked up was taxing tea. This was prior to when coffee replaced tea and tea became a bitch drink. You mess with a man’s caffeine you get fuckin cut, so the people of Boston threw all the tea into the harbor and then put a Starbucks on every corner to provide a place where all the colonial women and hipsters could go, while the men went to the taverns, got drunk, and planned a revolution.
1775 – Bitches done seriously fucked up. Thinking we were still all fucked up by caffeine withdrawal, the Brits sent troops to find and burn munitions depots in Massachusetts. Luckily, Paul Revere heard about the plan, and then road around warning people that the red coats were on their way. The patriots were able to rally minutemen to stall them at Lexington and Concord, and nothing was left by the time the Brits got there except deflated oblong pigskin sacks that were once used for gunpowder (which the New England Patriots still use today in homage to this act of defiance).
The continental congress then appointed badass, General George Washington, to teach the Brits a lesson with his pimp hand.
We lost Bunker Hill despite smoking a bunch of red coats (over 1000 casualties to our 450), but then asked the Brits if they’d had enough. King George scoffed, took a bitch ass sip of tea, and then declared the colony to be in open rebellion. It was war. The fact that the minute men gave the Brits such heavy casualties even though they lacked training showed the Continental Congress that their pimp game was strong.
They decided to go all out and raise an Army, and on 10 November, 1775 they passed a resolution to create two battalions of marines.
1776 – 1783 During this time, Marines were basically pirates . . . but good pirates for liberty and ‘Merica. Picture Captain Jack Sparrow, but more manly.
We hijacked British ships, raided British munitions depots in the Bahamas, and sent the weapons and gunpowder we found back to the war effort. We won the war, and our independence, but there was a group of islamist extremist terrorists about to catch a backhand.
1801-1805 During the period after the American Revolution, a group of pirates from Morocco, Tunisia, and Tripoli terrorized ships traveling through the Mediterranean. They would capture American and European ships, hold the crews hostage, and demand ransoms from their countries. The U.S. paid and ended up spending over $1 million a year on tributes (one sixth its budget at the time).
When then Minister to France, Thomas Jefferson asked Tripoli’s envoy what in the actual fuck he thought his country was doing in attacking us when we hadn’t attacked them, the envoy said, “It was written in their Koran, that all nations which had not acknowledged the Prophet were sinners, whom it was the right and duty of the faithful to plunder and enslave; and that every mussulman who was slain in this warfare was sure to go to paradise.” Yeah we’ve fuckin heard this before somewhere.
Despite launching his best arguments against paying these bitches, Jefferson had to grit his teeth as the United States paid the Barbary Pirates $1 million a year so that they wouldn’t fuck with our ships. That all changed in 1801, when Jefferson was elected president. He refused to pay, Tripoli got pissed off and declared war on us. In response, Jefferson sent the US Navy and Marine Corps to lay the smack down.
In 1803, the pirates were able to capture the USS Philadelphia. In response, the Marines hijacked another pirate ship and used it to deceive the bitch ass pirate guards that were guarding the Philadelphia. They stormed the ship and recaptured it, but then came under heavy fire from Tripolitan reinforcements. To avoid having the Philadelphia recaptured for use by the enemy, the Marines set fire to that motherfucker.
In 1805, Lieutenant Presley O’Bannon and a group of eight marines led a force of 500 mercenaries to sack the City of Derna on the shores of muthafuckin Tripoli to force the pirates to sign a treaty. After O’bannon slapped Tripoli’s Pasha with his white glove and left that bitch crying, Prince Hamet, who’d helped the Marines force the Pasha to concede, gave O’Bannon the Mameluke Sword in appreciation. Marine officers still rock that mothafucka to this day.
To be continued . . .