The Unauthorized History of the United States Marine Corps, part 2

The Unauthorized History of the United States Marine Corps, part 2

The War of 1812 – After the Brits rolled up into Chesapeake Harbor and jacked one of our ships, we decided that those bitches hadn’t had enough.  Most of the early battles the Marines in that war were involved in were naval battles, where the Marines used the British as target practice.

At this point, the Brits decided to take the battle to the land thinking shit was gonna be easier.   The Brits landed in Maryland on August 19.  Most of the Americans that were sent to meet them that day were untrained militia men, and the Brits cut through them easily.  Then they thought they had an easy march on Washington, D.C until a small group of Marines met them at Bladensburg.  When the British saw the small brigade of Marines, they marched straight toward them.  The Marines launched a volley of cannon and musket fire into the Brits and mowed down an entire company.  Then they kept firing, over and over again, creating a giant pile of bodies in front of them.  Motivated by the growing pile of bodies, the Marines let out a giant scream, and charged the Brits. Realizing that they fucked up, the British scattered.  The Marines held their positions, ready for a counter assault.

To avoid the Marines, the British decided to attack the militia men on their right flank and took a position on the high ground next to the Marines.  Once there, they turned their guns on the Marines again.  What ensued was the mother of all fucking fire fights.  106 Marines and hundreds of British soldiers began firing at each other at point fucking blank range.  In all, the Marines killed 150 Brits and had only 8 of their own killed.  Eventually the Marines were ordered to stand down with the idea that they would regroup in Washington, but the Brits broke through and burned every government building down except for the Marine Barracks.  Some people say that the Brits did this only because the Barracks were too close to civilian residences, but fuck those people.  They did it out of respect.  

After the War of 1812
After the war, the Marine Corps fell into a depressed state.  Marines stuck to guarding ships, guarding piers, and doing the whole watch marionette shows and chill thing.  Life fuckin basically fucking sucked until Archibald Henderson became the commandant.  He served as commandant for a little over 38 years from 1820 to 1859, making him the Grand Old Man of the Marine Corps.  OG like a motherfucker.  Colonel Henderson kept the Marine Corps from being taken over by the Army, and began the Marine Corps role as an expeditionary force, smacking down bitches in the Caribean, Key West, West Africa, the Falkland Islands, China, Fiji, Peru, Buenos Aires, Nicaragua, and Sumatra.  Whenever Henderson participated in a new campaign, he’d post a note to his office door saying “Gone to fight <<name of bitch ass group of shitbags>>, be back when the war is over.  

The Mexican American War
Basically this war happened because Mexico decided it was going to fuck with Texas.  When you fuck with Texas, you get bitch slapped.  Nine years after the United States annexed Texas, Mexico decided it was going to fuck with its borders.  We didn’t like this, and plus we needed California as a place to send all of our hipsters, liberals, and to create Disneyland.  

The Halls of Montezuma
During the Battle of Chapultapec, U.S. Army and Marines advanced on Chapultapec Castle.  Their advance was halted by a barrage of gun fire coming from the castle.  In a move that would go down in legend, the Marines advance up the backside of the castle while carrying a massive American flag and unleashed hell on the Mexican cadets manning the artillery screaming “get some.”  The Marines jumped down into the Halls of Montezuma, and raised the American flag.  Almost all of the Marines’ officers and NCO’s were killed in this advance, which is why Marine Officers and NCO’s wear a “blood stripe” to this day.

To be continued . . .