How to Stop the Cycle of Shame

Chris Albert 00:00:00 (link to this point)

You know, one of the craziest things about life and our minds as humans, you know, we're we're the most advanced species on this planet. We have such cognitive ability that it surpasses everything else that's breathing on this planet by miles. At the same time, that cognitive ability can also be a trap. You see, we have a strong memory. Right?

We we remember things. We remember things that happened to us when we were kids. We remember things that happened to us when we were younger, you know, our teens, our twenties. And for those most of you in this community, we remember things that happened when we're in the military. And that is both good and bad.

You see, as a species, we've survived because we get strong memories of negative things that have happened. Right? You know, when we were cave people and we had a memory of a saber tooth tiger, you know, tearing through our village or or a cave or something like that, that taught us to stay away from, you know, the places where saber tooth tigers hung out. Maybe I'm oversimplifying it, but, you know, that's essentially why we have those memories. But one of the things that having a strong memory does is it allows you to attach meaning to different memories that you have.

And that meaning could be one of of lessons learned, right, where you decide not to do something that hasn't been productive for for you in the past. But another side effect of having that ability is something that I've I've spoken about before, and that is coloring those memories with with shame. That's something that I've dealt with a lot in my life. Shame. Shame for not being the best high school student that I could be.

Right? Shame for not taking advantage of high school football while I could and not performing to the best of my ability. Shame for for not trying harder in school. Shame for not trying harder when I was in the Marine Corps, not trying to be the best Marine that I could be, shame for being deployed and and coming back without a scratch and without the stories to tell, shame for being here, being healthy, being able to live my life when my brother's in arms couldn't. Shame for for the years that I spent drinking my life away and drowning my sorrows in a bottle of Jim Beam, or Jameson, or Jack Daniels, or whatever I could get my hands on at the time.

Shame for how I've treated ex girlfriends, shame for how I let opportunities go in my life, and shame for the fact that I woke up one day when I was 35 and looked in the mirror and wondered where the last fifteen years went. All of that is stuff that has actually happened to me, stuff that I've talked to you about before, and it's also stuff that I hear consistently from others in this community. You see, one of the reasons why I do this podcast is because, you know, I have this belief that because of our shared experiences as brothers in arms and sisters in arms, we also have these shared thoughts, but these thoughts that that we don't really talk about all the time. They're thoughts that we're not really comfortable with talking about. We're not comfortable with talking about them with our significant others.

We're not comfortable in talking about them with our kids. We're not comfortable in talking about them with those closest to us. So what I'm trying to do here on this podcast is verbalize those thoughts, materialize them so that you could see them for what they are. And and what they are is just thoughts. There are things that we've brought meaning to.

There are things that that that we have created in our minds that we have developed into a kind of meta thought that I believe seriously blocks us as a community. Now, I'm not trying to take or or or I guess the word is denigrate. I'm not trying to denigrate feeling or emotion. Right? Because each of us carries strong emotion with our memories.

Right? And that's only human. And I'll that's something I want you to understand. You're not wrong for feeling the way you do. You're not wrong for for feeling shame.

You're not wrong for for thinking about those memories and getting a chill up your spine or or for breaking out in a cold sweat or for feeling negative about those thoughts. Right? Again, you're human. That's an aspect of of life as a human on this planet and life as a human on this planet being a human who's had these unique experiences. At the same time, we have to see it for what it is if we're ever gonna move forward.

One of the things I need to, I think, explain better on this podcast is the fact that all of us still have a chance. Every single one of us. Most of you who listen to this show are good deal younger than I am. Some of you are are my age. Some of you are a little bit older.

But even if you are a little bit older, let's say you're you're you're in your mid forties or early fifties or or even later than that, you still have time, time on this planet. Right? If you're in your thirties or in your twenties, you've got a a whole buttload of time. And one of the things I want you to understand is that that time means that you still have chances, right? Your story is still being written.

Your story is not some book with binding on it that that that's been closed off and and pulled from editing. Your story is still being written right now in this moment while you're listening to this podcast, and the actions you take from this moment on. And one of the things that that emotion that that shame does is it keeps you from realizing that. Keeps you from realizing the opportunities that are right in front of your face. The opportunities to build a new life, the opportunity to create new opportunities, the opportunity to live.

And the biggest thing that will get you to to to move forward in your life is is when you decide that you're not gonna let those memories, that shame trap you. You're not gonna let that memory keep you from being the man or the woman that you should be. That you're not going to allow that feeling to take over your ability to make decisions as a capable person in this society. Each and every one of you has that ability. The ability to decide from this point on how your life is gonna be.

The ability to decide that you're not gonna keep reliving that cycle that you've been living through. You know that and let me explain that cycle a little bit. The cycle is you sit there, you start thinking about your past, you start thinking about how you screwed up, how how you didn't live up to the person you wanted to be, and then you make the decision to say, you know what, because I didn't do that, I'm just gonna keep tearing myself down. That's what we all need to stop doing. We need to stop tearing ourselves down.

We need to stop keeping ourselves from being the people that we should be, the people we should be right now, the people who are going to change things, the people who are gonna change things for ourselves, but also more importantly for the people around us, for your family, your kids, your friends, your wives, your husbands, your parents, the people who are gonna change things for your community. The way you do that is you decide. You decide that from this moment forward, that trap just doesn't exist anymore. I'm not gonna fall into it. And, yeah, it's a lot harder than what I'm making it out to be right now.

Right? That very ability to make that decision, it's a very difficult thing. It's it's it's even a difficult thing to realize that you have it because it's it's like this mist that you're trying to grab onto. But it is there. I promise you it is.

If you sit here and you make a decision that you're not gonna be that person anymore, that victim, that person who's constantly being victimized by his past, then you're going to be on the right path, the path toward becoming what who you're supposed to be. Alright? And, you know, it takes a lot of willpower. It takes a lot of guts. It takes a lot of strength.

It takes the ability to say, you know what? I might have to be lonely for a little bit. I might have to get rid of some friends. I might have to to to change my social circles. I might not be able to go to the bar every weekend because I don't want to be at home alone.

I might have to go do something else. That's a very difficult situation or a very difficult decision to make. But if you make it, everything will change. Every single thing will change. If you decide from this point on, you're not gonna sit there and think, you're gonna act.

Rather than sitting there and thinking about the person you're gonna be, you're gonna mold yourself back into the person you should be. You're gonna get up every morning, you're gonna exercise, you're gonna hit the gym, you're gonna start reading, you're gonna start putting a 110% at work, you're gonna do what you need to do and learn what you need to learn to get to where you wanna go. That's what is going to change your life. And it's not gonna change it immediately. It's not gonna change it tomorrow or next week or next month.

But one day, rather than waking up ten years from now and wondering where the last ten years went, you'll wake up and you'll say, look at what the fuck I've become. I created a different kind of monster. A monster who's gonna go out, who's gonna dominate, and who is going to make this world a better fucking place. That's what we all need to do. Hope this makes sense, guys.

As always, I'm here to talk. If you ever wanna reach out, please feel free to reach out to me on social media at Warrior Soul Agoge on Instagram, or you can even email me at chris@warriorsoulagoge.com. And I hope you are getting out there and living the best life you can. This is Chris Albert with the Warrior Soul Podcast, and I am out.