The Number of Women You’ve Slept with Doesn’t Matter: The Value of Being Alone

Chris Albert 00:00:00 (link to this point)

What is going on everybody? Welcome to the Warrior Soul podcast. This is Chris Albert, and today I'm going be giving you a little bit of a short episode here, and it's part of a series of episodes that I've been doing, just giving out advice, talking about things that I had done when I was younger that I probably could have done better. And the point of this is to try to give advice to some of the younger guys out there who are still in their late teens and early twenties and possibly even your early thirties to help you to learn from my own mistakes. Now, the mistake I'm going be talking about today has to do with relationships and being alone.

Now, when I was in my teens and my late teens, my early 20s, and probably all through my 20s all the way up through my early 30s, I kind of defined myself by the amount of women I was sleeping with at the time. And don't say this to brag, but at any given point in time, I was probably dating, you know, three, four, five women at a time. And I know a lot of men go through this period. And I'm not telling I don't want this to come off as me saying that men should be celibate, that they should avoid contact with women and that they should just live this super disciplined lifestyle because I don't think that works. I think that people should date, they should interact with the other sex, they should have relationships, they should have good relationships and bad relationships because you learn from both.

But the problem for me was that it became kind of an obsession where I defined my self worth by the amount of women that I had slept with. And I was on one extreme of the spectrum. On the other extreme, we have men who don't have any luck with women, who define their existence by their continued, I guess you could say, forced celibacy when it comes to women. And, you know, recently we've heard about this incel movement that led to, you know, Elliot Rodger to commit his shooting rampage at the University of California at Santa Barbara. That led to another person up in Toronto to drive into a group of people.

And they were discouraged by their lack of sexual access to women. And if you watched some of Elliot Rodger's YouTube videos, he talks about how he looked great, he was such a gentleman, but women just didn't like him and how it was so unfair. And on both ends of these spectrums, you know, we see something that's a little bit common. We see men, young men, who don't understand how to deal or the value of being alone. And I think that in so many cases there is so much value in being alone as a young man.

Now why do I say that? Well, I say that because when you are young, that is when you need to be going out, that is when you need to be slaying dragons, that's when you need to be conquering in the world, that's when you need to be working on yourself in order to become the best version of you possible. And if you are at a point where you're either just continually trying to go out there and sleep with women to fulfill some sort of inadequacy in yourself, or whether you're just blaming the world and obsessing over your lack of ability to go out there and meet and sleep with women, in both cases, you are not focusing on the one thing that truly matters, and that is what you are actually building and accomplishing in your life. You know, I see so many men out there who are not happy with where they're at, who are not happy with their relationships, with their marriage, with their job, with what they've accomplished in their lives. I see so many veterans out there who are kind of wallowing in this situation where they're not happy with where they are right now.

And I think in every case, what you'll find is a man who didn't put enough work into himself before he ended up in a committed relationship with somebody else. Now, here's the thing. I know a lot of you are in marriages where you might not be happy, but you're trying to stick it out, and that's good. That is a thing. You're living up to your responsibility.

But in these situations, even when you are already married, even when you are already in a relationship, you have to understand something, and that is that you're not going to be able to be the best man you can be, the best husband you can be, the best father you can be, the best person you can be unless you truly put that work into yourself. And so the reason why I'm focusing this show on those men who either haven't gotten there yet or who are fresh into these types of relationships or even those men who are in these types of marriages where they're not happy is to get you to understand that it's up to you to take responsibility for that. Now, when you are dealing with relationships and you're dealing with the opposite sex, you know, again, you have to understand that there's a number of ways you can end up in these relationships. You can end up in them by lying to yourself. Right?

Now, I used to be married, and one of the reasons why I ended up in that marriage was because I told myself that I was such a bad person. I kept telling myself that I was such a bad person for trying to sleep with all these women when I was younger, for for for lying, for for, being kind of like a lech, I guess you could call it, that I told myself I needed to settle down, that I needed to get myself into a committed relationship. And so when I met my ex wife, I saw it as an opportunity to force myself to settle down, to force myself into a situation where I was going to be with a single person. But again, I hadn't worked on myself. I hadn't worked on who I needed to be in order to be a good husband in the first place.

I hadn't worked on myself financially. I hadn't worked on my physicality enough. I hadn't worked on my life enough. And in entering that marriage, it was kind of doomed from the beginning because I was immediately unhappy. I immediately felt like I was trapped.

I immediately felt like I was in a situation where I couldn't get out of it. And eventually the marriage fell apart, ended up divorced. I ended up setting myself back about five to ten years financially. And I ended up setting myself back probably about five to ten years in maturity because I ended up going right back to where I was and trying to sleep with as many women as possible. Was trying to add to that number, was trying to get out there and and and you know, fulfill that that kind of emptiness that I saw in myself.

But luckily, you know, a couple of things happened to me. Number one, I was a little bit older when I got out of that situation, and I was able to look at myself in the mirror, and I was able to say to myself, is this the man you wanna be? Is this truly who you wanna be? Do you wanna be defined by how many women you're sleeping with? Do you wanna be defined by continuously getting into bad relationships?

Do you wanna be defined by potentially getting into another bad marriage? And the truth was I didn't I didn't want to. And I know that that's not really what anybody wants. People generally want to to live their best lives. And so what I did was I said, alright, I'm gonna take a break from this.

I'm not going to actively go out there. I'm not going to actively try to meet anybody. What I am gonna do is I'm gonna start working on the person that I need to be. I'm gonna start working on my body, start working on my fitness. I'm gonna start working on my business.

I'm gonna start working on helping other people and trying to add value to their lives. And then once I've done that, I'm gonna be able to find a person who's more committed to to me and who I am and who is more committed to elevating me rather than trying to keep me from cheating on them because that was the problem in my marriage. My ex wife was extremely jealous. And that's who you're going to end up with if if you behave like somebody who who is going to cheat, who is going to go out there and act like a lech. So after working on myself and building up my business, I was able to find somebody who I truly loved and was able to actually find somebody who I was interested in and who had the same interests as me, who had the same life goals as I did, who wanted to go to the same places that I did.

And I've been with her now for five years in a committed relationship. And so, you know, the real message to you guys out there, and again, I don't want to come off as all pious because I think sex is a great thing and I think everybody should should should try to have amazing sex in their lives. But sex is much better when when you are in a committed relationship and when it's not a distraction from what you're doing or a drug that you're trying to use to mask other inadequacies that you have. And I think that if you are using it for those inadequacies, it could really keep you from from being the person that you're meant to be or from becoming the person that that you need to be in order to be the man you want to be. So my message to all of you out there is if you're currently alone or if you're currently not married yet, before, you know, going out there and either blaming the world because you can't find anybody good or, you know, lying to others in order to get them into bed or defining yourself by how many women you're sleeping with.

Seek to get out there and conquer this world, conquer those dragons, conquer those demons that are in your head by accomplishing something. Accomplishing something that's meaningful. At the end of it, you'll be a better person and you'll wind up with somebody who's better. And if you're currently in an unhappy relationship, you know, number one, make sure that you're not placing blame entirely on the other person. Understand what it is you need to work on.

Understand what it is you have control over and you have control over how you treat yourself, how you treat your body, how hard you work and how you treat others in your family. And if you start working on doing that the best you can in each of those areas, number one, either your relationship is going to improve or number two, you're going to outgrow the other person and you will be able to move on and start something new. So that's what I got for today, guys. I will be back at you with another interview in about a week, and I hope everybody out there is doing well. If you've got other advice that you want to put out there about these relationships, remember that this is a community.

Head over to www.warriorsoulagoge.com. Look up the show notes on this and leave your comments in the comments section below this post. And with that, guys, I want to thank you all for listening. Another quick note from our sponsors before we go. This podcast was brought to you by F Bomb Nutrition, absolutely amazing products brought to you by amazing people.

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With that, get out there, slay those dragons, and live your best life while you can.